It is still real...

Christmas tree lit, coffee with peppermint mocha creamer, christmas carols on the computer.  And... I try to come to terms with myself.
I realize now why the doctor sent me for an x-ray.  She said the bump on my knuckle looked like it might be a cyst... that the bump between my two fingers looked like a varicose vein.  What good would an X-Ray do to determine that?  Those are both soft tissue things and an X-Ray will not really show anything.
Duh...
She apparently figured it was a forgone conclusion that it was RA and wanted to see if the bones were dislocated in my finger yet by anything.
I'm trying, not, to figure out why being right about what I thought it was should make me feel so horrible.  This is not logical.  I'm right.  I know it isn't a fatal condition, even if it is chronic.  It is just something I will have to live with...
Is this normal?  The way I'm feeling is so NOT me...
--- later in the afternoon...

Sometimes the internet is a good thing... sometimes it isn't so much.  I have been reading on RA.  I was thinking about the joints that I remember on people from when I was a kid (40 years ago) but I never realized (or thought about it, I guess)... auto-immune disease isn't just joints... it is organs, too... lungs... eyes... oh man...

Maybe I shouldn't have cracked my knuckles when I was younger...  sigh... this really is forever...